A ride to the fantasy world

I was hanging out with a girl who's 11. Both of us kept each other good company. The girl warmed up to me very fast, and when she find that she was comfortable talking to me, she couldn't stop. Haha... she reminds me of myself, trillion years ago :P Ouh....I was so talkative...  (wait...IS it past tense?)
and she makes me miss my niece even more...

She's full of fantasy... she loves the movie harry potter and 2012 so much that she tries to believe one is and one will be true. Most likely she already knew they are fictional but choose to believe otherwise. I told her they are not true and she said 'yeahh but I really believe it will be true... you know it's so cool....(she continues with her imaginative narrations)...' Then I realised, I was that girl once upon a time. I guess I woke up somewhere along the way. Anyways, back to the future. I had to share my take on 2012, but made it as light as possible for her. But she was so excited about harry potter that I couldnt bring myself to dash her childhood fantasy. And  then she started asking whether I think harry potter exists. Alamak... it's a trapp!!. Now now, how should i tell her? Finally, I replied 'dear, i don't believe in harry potter...  (she looked a bit disappointed) but, I like the movies (grin). Though i'm telling you its not real, it's ok for you to keep your fantasy alive..." she looked kinda happy with my answer... but I can never tell whether it's the best answer...

.
This is like telling kids santa does not exist.
And its the same like how I had to explain to my niece that animals don't talk in real life.

On the other hand, as much as I think we should impose reality from time to time, I think we should give them some space for imagination and fantasies as well. I dunno, maybe for them to be more creative-thinking in future?

I still remember how imaginative I was. I would be telling my younger sis all about it and make her believe my fantasy world. Funny how I still remember some of them in detail.

I loved this talcum so much when I was little. I told my sis once we touch it, we will go into the other side of the world and reach this place. oh ya, can even choose which one will be our 'house' here. After "going into this bedak", we would be skiing tak ingat dunia... (walhal masih atas katil!) and sometimes I would be staring at it, with the hope that staring hard would make me kepooofff to this place... hahaha....

pic courtesy: http://koleksioldskool.blogspot.com/

Hmmm..I better not write all of them here.. I should just keep em to myself huh... haha....sharin Holiday on Ice fantasy is embarassing enough :P

My childhood years are long gone... the memories, some of em, are still strong....I am not sure to what extent my childhood imaginations or fantasies might have influenced my life's journey... Any comments from children psychology expert? But I still remember the feeling of having hopes and dreams about the impossibles or the wonders the world has to offer.

As an adult, its our responsibility to teach kids about the reality of life... (according to their age)

but once a while, i guess it won't harm us to ride into their fantasy world ... right? 

Listening to kids telling stories is so entertaining...

Ainaa.. aunty miss you so sooo much..... :'(

Nostalgia berpuasa...

Di bulan Ramadhan ni, tiba-tiba nostalgia lama kembali dlm ingatan. Cewah.... Ini kira first time belajar nak puasa, when i was 7 in Standard 1. Ye lah, dah masuk skolah, malu dgn kawan kalau cakap tak puasa, kan. So confident je thot I was ready nak puasa. With Azira, my partner in crime… we challenged each other, siapa boleh puasa lagi banyak hari. Lepas dah berjinak-jinak puasa tu (walaupun separuh hari masa tu), tiba-tiba pula dengar rumors yang kalau puasa, air liur pun takleh telan. Kalau telan, batal posa.

So ada skali tu masa recess-time, tengah main- main kt mangosteen trees tepi volleyball court, sebab tak pi kantin… Then suddenly terkuar issue air liur nie, Azira and I both tiba – tiba dah cuak.... cam mana ni, kena stop menelan air liur lah, kalau tak batal nih. Tanpa merujuk pada pihak ketiga, kami nekad! So kami berdua tahan air liur tu, bila dah banyak terkumpul (eeeeuuu).. tatau nak spit kat mana pulak. Tiba-tiba... masa tu jugak la *bellRing (loceng bunyi untuk ke dewan untuk perhimpunan lepas recess). ALAMAK ! Dlm kekalutan dan sambil bercakap dengan mulut penuh takungan, dok gabra gaduh tatau nak ludah kat mana? Banyak giler, semulut dah ada… Pengawas plak dah datang, dgn muka garang suruh masuk dewan… So, dalam kekalutan dan suasana tegang itu, kami pun bersama-sama decide menelan aje air liur ditakung tu… hua hua hua… eeYuckkkk! Banyak giler tuh! Wek wek wek.... Perasaan geli tuh takleh lupa sampai skang! Pengajarannya di sini, lenkali jgn nak pandai-pandai buat/ikut fatwa yang takde kesahihannya.

Darjah dua masih curi-curi minum air bila orang tak nampak. Darjah tiga dah puasa betul – betul, tapi maybe ada la skip beberapa hari. Darjah empat dah belajar puasa penuh. Dugaan besar, time sekolah sesi petang. Dah umur 13, patut dah terer puasa ni…. Tapi sebab dah penat dok kt skolah sampai lewat petang, dah tu bas sekolah aku lak sampai sangat la lambat dan kami terpaksa tunggu lama, jadi makin exhausting. Sekali sekala sambil tunggu bas tu, dok ushar satu rumah ni dekat kawasan menunggu tu… rumah dia ada halaman luas, dan jauh di sudut ada sebuah tempayan di sebelah sebuah kolah. Bila time-time dah penat sangat, renung je kolah dan tempayan tu… dah terbayang dah mandi air sejuk tu dan betapa besnya minum air tempayan sejuk tu…kalau dpt setitik dua pun j...PooonPooon… eh bas dah sampai! bila tersedar dr lamunan tu, termalu lah sendiri dgn fantasi kolah dan tempayan aku tu… erk…

Makin membesar, dah dapat atasi fantasi-fantasi mcm tu…. Kalau tengah puasa dan orang makan kfc kt sebelah pun tak heranz. Hmmm yeke… Yer Bolehh…..

Masa kecik-kecik dulu, fokus utamanya more to boleh tahan lapar dahaga ke tak, boleh lawan temptation nak makan minum ke tak. Pastu selalu alert takut kalau silap-silap tergali idung ke telinga ke tanpa sedar. akekeke... Tapi, wahai kanak-kanak, Ustazah ada cakap, puasa ni bukan control makan minum je, kena jauhi semua perbuatan tak berfaedah, jahat dan maksiat. Masa tu, maksiat paling besar yang boleh kita imagine adalah mengumpat. So tiba-tiba je, semua jadi baik tak nak ngata sapa-sapa. Kalau ada sesiapa yang terkuar statement ala-ala mengata nie, dan-dan sorang sorang start nak quote ustazah :P

Little did I know then....
Rupa-rupanya makin besar, makin banyak lagi “temptation” untuk buat perkara-perkara tak berfaedah… Rupa - rupanya dugaan makin banyak, pintu ke arah pelbagai jenis maksiat menjadi semakin meluas dan semakin kreatif pun ada.

Tapi bila dah makin besar ni, kita pun seakan-akan makin lebih pandai nak justify segala perlakuan kita. Apa je kita buat, ade je justification nye kan. Dah takde sapa dah nak tegur dengan quote2 ustazah mcm zaman kecik-kecik dulu, ye tak :) Kalau ada yang tegur pun, kita sama ada jadi malu, tak suka, ego atau tak selesa... dah tak terbuka dan boleh terima teguran dengan senyum kambing mcm kecik-kecik dulu.

Hmmm... bila ckp bab-bab agama masih banyak menda yang aku taktau... bak kata pepatah "cukup makan je"...  tanamkan niat wahai gadis, anda Ilmu tak banyak....jadi rajin-rajinlah mencari..... Amal tak banyak.... jadi rajin-rajinkanlah beramal....wokey macha?

Sejauh mana penghayatan aku bulan Ramadhan ni? Lebih daripada tu... aku terfikir jugak, Sejauh mana kah penghayatan aku pada amalan-amalan yang di buat di bulan Ramadhan.... (i.e. baca Quran, Solat2 Sunat, Sedekah etc) pada bulan-bulan lain. Di bulan Mulia ini, kita perbanyakkan, itu tak bermaksud di bulan lain kita minimize/ lupakan terus, ye dok? :-)

~Peringatan untukkku....

MarHaBan ya RaMadhan...

SelaMat BerPuasa ye KenKawan seme, muslimin muslimat semua....

Semoga kita mndapat KeBerkatan dari-Nya....

Amin.

Convent Bukit Mertajam, the old and new.

blog: http://alumnicbm.blogspot.com/

information on the alumni or how to join:
alumnicbm@gmail.com
facebook group id:  Convent Bukit Mertajam Alumni

The Alumni was invited to officiate Convent BM’s PIBG annual general meeting. Our YDP, Irene Ewe (batch 1976) was represented by NYDP, Belinda Gan to officiate the event and myself as another representative from the alumni. When I arrived at the school compound, the same nostalgic feeling hit me, just like how I felt during the 2008 alumni AGM. I was welcomed by a group of teachers. Then, we were ushered to the new hall, together with Dr.Lim (the PIBG’s YDP), and the new headmistress, Pn.Che Azizah.

Walking through the corridors, in between two lines of students from uniform bodies giving the salute routine… makes me feel a lil awkward. It was as though it was just yesterday; I was there as a prefect helping around some events in school; making sure our guests feel welcomed. Gosh… how fast time flies!

The officiating session went on well. Belinda’s speech covered information about our alumni, the vision, the purposes and activities we are/were working on. After that, both of us were ushered to refreshment, while the AGM carried on.

Before going back, Belinda and I toured around the school compound… cruising down memory lane. She was in CBM from late 60’s to late 70’s, whereas I was there from 1989 to exactly one year before the new millennia. Though we were from different era, we can relate our experiences, but we also compared the environment from her era to mine to now! Haha…

After a week, I went to school again, this time on school day. Looking at the girls in uniforms, I realize, it has been some time… I have sure progressed a lot, mentally and physically (physically? Erk..sensitive issue!) but still the same girl somehow.

Wow… I grew up from a kiddo to a teenager here. I can never stop recalling, talking about it, although it means repeating the same stories over and over again especially with some old buddies. Our past has been somewhat significant and responsible for the bonds we have today. Eventhough we were in the same school for a decade, we went through different experiences, coz even though we were close, we might have different circle of friends and exposures; some of us were not close back in school; and some with whom we might not share common interests.

After going out from school, things change… some remained close, some separated by destiny, some got closer unexpectedly. Whatever differences we had or have, we still have one common ground, our alma mater. Alongside the memories from past, the bonds (friendship & sisterhood) are always revived with new memories and exciting happenings along the way.

A friend recently mentioned that she misses the people back in school, I couldn’t agree more. I miss the people… but yeah... schooling, no… not again :P But I do cherish the school for what it had given me ~ friendship, experience, knowledge, self-respect, cultural understanding, and hehe... education :P and many more I guess. The school itself is a nostalgic figure standing still; quietly witnessing generations come and go… Through alumni, I wish my tiny efforts will somehow help present CBM girls as well as reuniting the former ones :D

So here we go, to the Old and New! Past and Present!


#1 Porch / Front Field

~Once Upon a Time~
If I'm not mistaken, I was told this photo taken in late 70's. Wait, is that a cactus tree in front of the palm tree?

Look at them... wow.... Another Pic to show the stunt: :D

1999.... during my time. Can't see whole view of the porch though. Can u see the cactus popping out from the back row? I think its the same cactus from above pic.

Feb 2008. Taken after Alumni's AGM. Photo- as you can see, I ciluk from Jane. No more cactus... maybe sudah uzur ditelan zaman maka harus dikorbankan.

~Back to the Future~

More upgrades followed... repainted and now we have a podium.


#2 Primary Block

~Once upon a time~
In 1988:

~Back to the Future~
more cars.....

#3 BackField

~Once upon a time~

Late 1950's / Early 60's:
From the class blocks heading to canteen. Have to ask super seniors whether it was a canteen back then. A stretch of mangosteen trees behind the girls, now ladies :-)

Year 1965:
Back field, taken from another angle.
left: the primary block. far left: glimpse of mangosteen tree in front of the field.

1999:
Same angle as the first foto.. not only the trees functioned as shady area, but was also as favourite backdrop for most sport-related events :P
~Back to the Future~

about the same angle as the second foto. as u can see, the primary block building. The border separating the field and the road, is where the mangosteen trees used to be. Haha "Why am I making such a big deal of the mangosteen trees?"... We always thought the trees were a part of the school's heritage. Even Jane was saddd that they're gone. Huhu... but then again, same like missy cactus, mesti dah uzur ditelan zaman...

#4 New HallThis hall is called new hall as it is newer than the other hall :D

~Once upon a time~

1970's / early 80's
Haha... When I was in my early years of primary, I used to fancy over these costumes... dreaming that I would one day have the chance to wear one. Never did! :P (they used to keep em in the music room, then suddenly there were gone) ~ another kes uzur ditelan zaman jugak kot :P

1999:
ok.. forget the costumes... i did perform on stage.. wakakkaka...


~Back to the Future~





#5 Front

~Once upon a time~1965:

1992: Opposite angle from the photo above.
The Pokok Pinang :-) Notice the overhead bridge? The Rumah Rehat?
The District Officer's House? and the trees on the opposite side of the road? Pokok Rhu
The road before reconstruction.

1999: Same angle as the first photo (1965).
The road after reconstruct into higher flyover

~Back to the Future~

same angle with 1992.
no more pinang on field... but there's one outside :P
Overhead bridge- new look (now with CCTV)
the area opposite school (D.O house etc) was cleared for roads and development (few years back dah)
oh ye.. now the school has guard room ;)

the opposite angle...
:-) the bukit

Adeh... tedious man... so enough for now :P (rajin pula wat evolution track)

Strolling and Rolling

Once upon a time… on a bright sunny day…. My younger sister and I tailed our dad to his football practice. Was it a match or just a practice? I can’t remember. But we went to this place that had a very big, big humongous field. A field that stretched to infinity as I remembered it to be…

I was 5… what seemed like a vague memory happened to be quite significant, in a way that it reminds me of how meaningful this place was and is for me….

Watching my dad and his peers, my sister and I sat under the trees… the sight of falling and fallen crescent-shaped leaves was captivating. It was a beautiful day with a beautiful weather. We entertained ourselves, running around just around the corner. Something got my attention; my eyes were fixed to this magnificent logo I saw carved on the slope at far end of the field. Curious. We were asked not to run around too far… but after continuous pestering… finally, my dad allowed us to roam after they have finished their match/practice. Jumping, skipping and running… we headed to the slope.

I was proud.. phew, what a long run! I didn’t know how to read…. But I knew it was some kind of alphabets which I couldn’t depict. “Wow… the logo sooo big above my nose… high up on the slopes”. At that time, it was such a big discovery and an amazing sight for me. Excitedly, I started to climb the slope and rolled back down, my actions being mimicked by my sister. We were laughing, rolling here and there…. and running carefree… just the two of us. We had to be chased down by our dad to make us go back.

Sad that I had to leave that place, I hoped that I would be back… It felt like a very special place, I didn’t know why… it was just a simple afternoon with a simple activity of running around crazily… but it was preserved in my memory.

Years went by… isolating this “childish hope” I had… Upon deciding on tertiary studies, this place was not in the list at first… then…

Tup tap tup tap….

I enrolled as a student at this place (... ermm... 3 times)…. kuikuikui…

As my loyalty to this place grows… I realize it’s not only because how I learned to love this place at present… but also because how my past cherished it…

Oh yaa, my younger sis attended this same uni but was in different branch :D coincidence? :P

photo credit: google image :P

the Ayam land - it's all about the chickens (# 1)

The Present

I have been having this feeling of wanting a pet recently. Why eh? I kinda miss those days when we used to have quite a number of pets. Am I influenced by my niece? She is pestering for a pet… first she wanted a chicken then a dog (which we can’t keep as a pet), and now a cat.

Being persistent… she finally made my parents buy her 2 chicks few months back. Of course, I was horrified at the sight of the 2 little fragile looking chicks in a box. They were toooo small… (cute…but…) how could the guy in the market separate them from their mother and sell it? I was mad at first but then tried to adjust to the idea of having those 2 chicks as a pet... Maybe buying them would save them from the miseries of being some form of display-material in the market. Then the nightmares began… the chicks wouldn’t stop chitter-ing. Not that I’m annoyed (actually, kinda…) but I was more worried about the chicks’ conditions. Why wouldn’t it stop making those sad sounds? Lerr..ye aar… They still need the comfort of a warm feathered mother rite…

So what I did – I tried putting my palm in the box to provide some warmth… and they’d come sit close to my palm and stop the chitters…. Then once I remove em, they’d start all over again… I even slept late trying to comfort them but I couldn’t leave my hands there forever aite. Then weekdays came, I needed to get back to campus… and so I left; at the back of my head, worried about the fate of the chicks. Night came… I called home… and was told that one of the chicks died. Mom said Ain was crying dramatically and gushing in tears…Her first loss. Next day, the other chick died… and this time, Ain was calmer. Mom said it reminds her of how we would cry ‘dramatically’ every time a pet died or suffered an injury. Then... old memories come flushing down…

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The Past

We had quite a number of cats and chickens as pets, ermm.. Kiki was the mother of all cats, and there was one rooster named “Kelthe” meaning ‘the old one” which lived for a record of 10 years, (has the same birth year as me) and was the head of the chick-o-tribe.

Kelthe ~ My father got him when he was still a chick, before I was born – basically making him older than me. As he grew, he became the mighty superstar rooster in the quarter’s area. There were plenty of other broods of chickens in the neighborhood. Kelthe always put a fight with other roosters from other broods. In his record, from the series of fights, a serious fight caused one of his eyes to go blind. Because of his poor vision, a few years after that, he was hit by a car… but survived…. A tough guy he was… but he was a bit crippled due to the accident.

The fact that he was getting older made him stopped fighting and stayed in our lawn most of the time. Then, his other eye and vision deteriorated, looked like it had Cataract. So he became more inactive. But we always brought him for a short walk around the lawn… He would use his “touching” senses through his beak or claws to look for food. Sometimes, my sisters and I would feed him by placing the grains on our palms, making him feel through his beak. Memorizing the position he’d start eating them. Sometimes we kinda teased him by changing the position of our hands and he’d be hitting on air, then looking for it all over again. We’d be laughing, pet him and place our palms under his beak again. Forgive the immaturity…kiddos maaa….

Kelthe... macho kan...

Maybe not many people opt for chickens as pets… ehehehe…. truth is, they are just as entertaining as other pets.

My sisters and I enjoy playing with them,, feeding them. They have their own characters. Some very memorable.... Oh ya, collecting their feathers that fell off from their skin and doing some creative things with it. Haha... those days without internet, huh....

Unforgettable Incident:

One day, the neighborhood was visited by an unwanted guest, a big iguana (biawak gedik) from a bush nearby… the whole neighborhood went panicky. “Go to the chickens!” was my mom’s first reaction.

The chickens were squawking in trepidation. It was a 2-storey coop, so the younger chickens had all climbed up, but Kelthe couldn’t make it. It so happened, the iguana was already in our next door neighbor’s lawn, right behind our chicken coop. As we were running out from the back door, two of the younger chickens jumped back down, and started making loud alarming noises, at the same time, trying to cover him with their wings. Then, I saw a glimpse of that big biawak, (mungkin kah bayangan ngeri itulah mbuatkan aku takut cicak sampai skarang?? hmm.. possible kan?) it ran away as we were shouting frantically and I guess someone was throwing some stones or some sort to its direction. Ouh.. I was very very proud of those chickens... macho siot. Harapan bangsa ayam-ayam sedunia...

Btw, the filthy looking biawak, was finally caught, efforts of the whole neighborhood. They used a reban rotan to trap the biawak inside and guarded it. I waited anxiously as the iguana relentlessly tried to escape… and I wondered why they didn’t just kill it? Later came a few chinese guys in a lorry, taking back the biawak. I heard that they were taking it to a restaurant to be made into exotic meal… for a small girl like me at that time; it was horrifying to discover that people eat lizards… what an adventurous way of discovering new knowledge…

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the middle child...

Re-post from facebook.. i had problem earlier to copy into this blog.

Mom used to dress us alike. At times three of us would have the same dress material and color but with different designs. Sometimes, mom only dressed two of us alike and the other differently. I’m the middle child. As a result, (I had a middle child syndrome... opps..) would be either dressed similarly to my elder sis or my younger sis. Some other times, mom would just dress us all differently. But most of the times, I would end up being boria (uniformed) with either one of my sisters.

It’s actually very cute of my mom and some of these dresses were tailored by my mom. I love em and I even remember how it felt wearing them.I never really rebelled over the similarities until I was a teenager. By then, I made sure even the baju kurung cloths are not of the same motifs. Drama Queen, yes.... but now, tak kesah...siap sistem barter baju with my sistas...

in jeans....obviously trying to be different

The shoes… different from the dresses, we usually had the freedom to choose our own shoes... I can recall the shop we always went to...(still operating in bm) Ouh... talking about dramas... i clearly remember one incident... and it was all because of a pair of shoes.

This white shoes… I don’t remember choosing this one, but I remember loving it so much. I was proud of this pair of shoes and I made sure no one touched it.

One day (I was 5 years old) my mom allowed my sister to wear it, we were all supposed to go to the town. She always wanted to try it but I never let her near em. I went all amok and wouldn’t budge until I got my shoes back. Mom tried to persuade but I wasn't listening... so mom left me with dad at home, and went to town with my 2 sisters. I cried, holding on to my beloved window pane, looking at them leave the house with my sister wearing my white shoes. I cried out loud…and shouted “Ye Sappate…” (my shoes) over and over… and I must have fallen asleep crying. Hahaha… :P

Spent the rest of the day with my dad… It was fun as my dad was trying to build up my mood back. When it was getting dark, they came back and headed straight to the pasar malam (night market, just a walking distance) after informing my dad.

Dad dressed me to join them there. Reaching the pasar malam, we slowly walked down the slope; then I saw my mom and sisters not far away. I was very excited; I have forgotten all my anger by then. Forget the shoes… I miss them already! I let go off my dad’s hand and ran down the slope towards them. I vaguely hear my dad shouting something to me. Last thing I remembered, I saw a bright light.


I opened my eyes and I was lying on the road. There was a motorbike in front of me and people surrounding me, and my mom, sisters and dad. I was hit by the motorbike. It was nothing serious but due to that small impact, I fell on the road and had a deep graze wound on my knees and some scratches on my hands.

Then I was carried back to our house. I remember both my parents tending to me while my sisters curiously watched me crying dramatically. My parents put biskut Jacob’s on my arms to sooth the bruises. (Some old-grannies remedies for in-house medication) My mom was not angry, like she was earlier that day. I only see love and deep concern in both my parents’ eyes.

Of course, as I grow up, I realized mom was not angry because she didn’t love me but because I was just overly rebellious. :P:P~


All because of a pair of white shoes...

Lessons I learned:

1. Never to be toooo selfish
2. I will never let go off my dad’s hand again (metaphorically speaking)
3. Parents love… can never be compromised
4. Road safety = important... even in pasar malams. (I hate crossing roads even until now)
5. biskut Jacob's is a multi-purpose food.

:-) how time flies... how fast have we grown...my niece is now 5 years old.....

My Rainy Days

Rainy days are often related to gloom and murkiness. I think it must be the picture of oneself crying or the myth saying that the god is crying (goddess tears according to Pagan myth) that bring to this presumption. A broken-heart with gushing tears, running in the middle of the rain followed by lightning strikes every now and then; would be better off in a movie scene (will sell like hot cakes, man…) compared to just running and crying.

I think the idea of getting stuck somewhere because of rain, or having neither transport nor an umbrella are the major factors why some people just freak out when it starts to rain… unless you are a sixteen year old holding your puppy love’s hand, wading through the rain trying to find shelter… but deep down inside hoping that you wouldn’t… and that, that moment will last forever. hikhikhik. (another scene that sells in cinemas…) satay panas! satay panas satu!

The thing I love about rain is the freshness that it brings. I have this memory of sitting on the bed, clinging onto the window pane, and admiring the pouring rain. I was very young then, it’s one of the video-graphic memories that I have from my younger years. I could feel the drizzle on my face, and I just loved that feeling. The breeze… they were like whispering to me that life is indeed a beautiful thing to live in. It sent smileys to me. The air so fresh that you could feel that regrets and miseries would not even come any close to haunt you, as if the air was opening a new horizon for you to pierce through. The sound of raindrops hammering the land, thrashing the floor, it was easy on the ear. It was almost melodic and harmonious.

My younger sis ran and jumped on the bed to join me, ending “Me pampering my emotions” session. I was not affected, I was still on my rainy mood, my lovely rainy mood, so I asked her to join me admire the rain. Not sure whether she knew what she was doing, but she gripped the window pane and watched the pouring rain with me. Later, I could hear my elder sis calling upon us, screaming out of joy. She was going zealous on the terrace, jumping and slapping the stretch of rainfall surging down from the rooftop. She had earlier placed a short, round, wide pail on the floor, parallel to the edge of the rooftop. She told us the bucket was going to overflow and we got excited alongside her, shouting in joy cheering for the rain. Yeah, by now, you can imagine how young we were. We were very very young indeed!

We were getting more and more wet by then, from the drizzle and the splashed rainfall. I could see the hill halfway disappeared beneath the fog. From the terrace, it seemed like the hill was right behind the house opposite of ours. It was a serene view. At times, we could see faintly coloured rainbow, and I remember my sis used to tell me not to point fingers towards the rainbow as the fingers might forever be crooked.

When we were going out of control, mom knew it was time to drag us in. Hehe, she had an irresistible way of doing so. Freshly fried keropok ikan and steamy cups of teh. Unable to fight the temptation, we raced to the kitchen and fought to eat more keropok than others could. Haha… or was it just me? I was very greedy back then. The kitchen was an extension space from the original design of the house; the roof was of zinc material. You can imagine the sound that would be produced from rain hitting the zinc, it was thunderously loud and we just loved it. We would be shouting around in order to communicate.

Every time it rained, this series of events became routine.



Growing up, I tend to neglect to cherish “moments”. But at times, when the right time with the right emotions sets in, I still have that space in my heart to appreciate this feeling, going deep into this rainy, lovely rainy mood… Well, thanks to my childhood memory of rainy days :-)

Getting cosy in the house while it is raining outside is a wonderful feeling…to have a cup of hot drinks, or simply getting a comfy mood from the atmosphere. Watching the rainfall from the edge…. Even when you are not in a cosy place, (like stuck somewhere in the middle of the rain), you cuddle yourself trying to warm up, but at the same time loving the chill.

Rain is like washing away sorrows. It’s a great feeling inside if you look at it that way. When the rain finally stops… feel the air, the breeze and the freshness… it’s like breathing a new life…

The small terrace that used to be our 'luxurious' place for stageplay..
nope, its not my dad... and nope, its not me nor one of my sisters...
But I am in this picture... Can u find me???

When u say "Sweet Dreams", make sure u don't use numbers

I'm a dreamer.

Some people have dreams occassionally, some just once a while, and some rarely. Me? I Dream! I dream almost everynight... I know, some of my close friends who I at times torture with my dream stories are rolling their eyes right now. Mwahahaha.... Like "No, not about your dreams again" Hahahhahaa.....

I dream sooo much... most of the times, I don't pay attention to em. But if the 'storyline' in my dreams involve some friends or sound interesting, they will be victimised with my stories.

I can recall back my dreams from as early as I was 5. What can a 5 years old kid's dream be like? Some 3-4 monsters circling around the dining table. Round and round... and round and round... and... round and... Ok... I think they get the point!

There's one dream that has been bugging me for quite some time though. I just dreamt about it again a few days ago. A dream where I'd be back in secondary school, in Form 5. I love it when my dreams transport me back to the memories of school days because at times, they just felt so real (revisiting places I used to hang out, joking and running around with friends). But sometimes, this dream would be interupted with an anxious feeling.

I would have a feeling that I have not prepared anything for my SPM, specifically for Add Maths. Suddenly, towards the end of the dream, I would be feeling worried-sick that the big exam is just around the corner and I have not studied a thing, especially Add Maths. I dunno how to put this feelings into words... Like "u start to feel butterflies in your stomach"-kinda feel. It feels like my whole future was at stake and I was not ready. Yalaa.. big exam kan.... and it was as if I was totally clueless and unprepared. I'd be awake after a while, feeling a bit anxious. By then, I'd realise it's just a dream and boleh tarik nafas lega.

I don't dream about this very often though. But I have this dream like from time to time... after a few months or years... but the feeling is the same = worried and Not prepared!

Hmmmm.... but why Add Math? This has to go in X-Files.... kan kan....

Since it's a repeating event, I had some time analysing this X-Files of mine. I've thought of some possibilities:

1. I was a lazy student who never did her Add Math homework. I used to leave my homework blank until the following lesson, I'd be the one asking most questions when Mr.Lo announced to the class "Any questions you want to discuss?" I'd fill in the blanks when the answers were discussed and written on the blackboard. It's weird... I'd do all other subjects' homeworks except for Add Math...Could this be the reason??
2. I never liked tuitions. But the only subject I chose to enrol for tuition was Add Math... I'd be listening to what Mr.Rao taught and tried to remember and understand them. But.. again.... I never did the homeworks.
3. For our debate team, we each had our "so-called bombastic" introductions. Elena, first speaker "As long as Titanic remain sunk, and shall never sail again, I will stand affirm with....." Prema, second speaker "As long as the electron....bla bla bla..." and mine was, "As long as the formula of the roots of quadratic equation is negative b plus minus square root of...bla bla bla" (LOOK at the FORMULA wehh... damn long....) Why on earth did I use that as my intro? Never did AddMath homeworks... got guts to use it for some literature purpose some more!
(maybe I should ask Elena if she has dreams of Titanic ship or... Leonardo di Caprio, maybe? :P)
4. SPM revision? I would do some exercises from revision books, just to get familiar with the structure of the questions and answers. A few days before the paper, I memorised the important formulas for every sub-topics... so even there were certain questions I couldn't answer... I wrote down the relevant formulas and fill in any numbers I'd see in the question, just to bag some marks from my answers... Maybe my method of studies/ answering had violated Pythagoras' theorem or some algebra ethics?? so.. i'm haunted?
5. Maybe Mathematics keep haunting me because I was supposed to take up Math course in my tertiary studies??
6. Or... maybe my Soulmate will be a mathematician?? :P:P HAHAHAHA.... oppss... lari topik!
7. Or is it a sign or a reminder not to take things for granted?

Added: Truth be told, as responded in the comment, I was very playful and kind of carefree during SPM (teruk rite :P). When the whole class would be intensely doing their own revision, I would jump around finding people who I could entertain or sembang2. At home, my sis would be studying for PMR and I would be on TV... Hmmm... Maybe I was too relaxed last time, that the anxiety had been diluted and dispersed into my dreams... possible, no? :S :S but still... why addmath?

But if the Add Math-phobia is a price to pay in order for me to get dreams of beautiful memories of my school days... I'll write the cheque... But then again, I don't really have a choice of what to dream when I fall asleep rite? HAHA....

With That....

GOOD NITE u ollss....

SWEET DREAMS... (or should I say sweet-non-mathematical-dreams) Ahakss....
Sleep tite... ZzzZzzZzzz....

t.r.A.u.M.a

I thought I knew everything about trauma. After a few years, I thought I have it in control. No, I didn’t. I tried to smile, tried to be nice by saying it is ok… but left alone, I cry, I shiver, my body, my hands, tremble. My trauma dated few years back and it came back just now. And, again Alhamdulillah… I am thankful to God, syukur, nothing worse happened…

2nd august 2002.
I was riding my sister’s motorbike from home, from Bt Mertajam to my campus in Penang island. It was one of the rare occasions I ride motorbike on Penang bridge. It was my second time and I insisted to ride despite parents and sister asking me not to.

Personally, I hated it, the strong winds and vulnerability of being on only two wheels. I had a strange hunch, I was worried, but I went on with the plan. The bridge ended, me taking the left fork of the bridge. I rode to the right side of the road as I needed to take right immediately.

Side mirror! I saw a small lorry (lori angkut) approaching very fast as I was nearing right. Too fast, I knew I couldn’t go pass, I tried to avoid by going back left. The lorry passed… but it neared left, the back of the lorry hit my front tyre. Losing control, together with the bike, kissed the road and stretched a few metres. I fell on my right side, feeling the heat and burn from the contact with the road. I was sliding with the bike, and my face felt hot… I thought my face was burning.

Only a few seconds… but it felt like forever. My mind was busy thinking of so many things… and some of them didn’t make sense. My dad’s face came into picture, him trying to stop me from riding the bike, feeling guilty if anything that happened to me will affect his health. My sister… her bike… what should I tell her. The cars... what if the cars on the bridge hit me from behind before I got up. the extra helmet… my brother in law’s helmet… it went flying off… He’s not gonna be happy about it… My face… I’m gonna be scarred… if I survived…

Then the bike finally stopped sliding. I got up quickly and looked behind, ready to run if any cars were there to hit me. Looking at the cars slowing down... I stood there, blank. The lorry driver pulled over, maybe 50 metres away, and came to check. A few cars and bikes stopped, pulled over, and one of them approached me.

“Adik… kenapa dik” (weird question to ask)

“Accident” (too obvious to be an answer)

I was in shock… “Saya accident” I said again, and to my horror, saw a small pool of blood in my sandals. “Helmet saya” showing at the direction where my brother’s helmet flew away. At that time, I was not thinking about myself, I was more worried about people who might get affected by that incident.

“Adik… duduk dulu” someone held me and brought me to the side. Then, everything came back to me. Ya Allah… a lorry just hit me… and tears just gushed out. The driver tried to divert his fault, but with shaking voice defended “Dia langgar saya…” he seemed panicked, he offered to pay for expenses.

One abang with his wife, drove me to a clinic nearby, the lorry driver’s friend rode the bike to a mechanic shop. I called a few guy friends; I needed someone to check out the bike. All of them not answering, until I got this friend, who later became one of my bestfriends starting from that incident. Bukh came to the clinic, causing him to miss his Friday prayers. Sent me back to my hostel, my girl friends came to calm me. I was crying all day… out of regrets, anger, terror, worries… u name it. Later at night, Bukh and Yein sent me and my bike back home. Terhutang budi... Still remember Atun helping me shampoo every 2 days for 2 weeks... Alisa helping with the classes, projects, and assignments... and all supporting friends... Thanks frenss... and of course... FAMILY.... :*

The mechanic said I escaped death… I say its qadak dan qadar... Btw, I did escape with minor injuries… some deep wound and some scratches here and there… and the scars are still visible until today. My face was saved by the helmet visor… Chills on my nerves looking at the visor… deep scratch on the surface. What if the visor was not there? What if my bike got entangled to the lorry? What if a car came from behind? Too many what ifs… after a while, I stopped thinking about what if and focus on what shoulds….

2nd worst wound i had... the worst one was a deeper wound at my kneecap which took 2 months to totally dry.

This photo was taken a week after my accident.

Appreciate life… learn to listen to people… trust hunches… and most importantly… no more bikes on bridge!

After the incident, first time coming back to penang island, my parents drove me there. I passed the accident spot… and I just started crying. 2-3 times… passing the place… I cried!

4-5 months before I could sit on a bike, and a year before I could ride on my own… but only for short distance. That was all due to trauma!

If a lorry comes too close… even if I am driving, I feel scared… and memory of the accident comes back. Only until recent years, the feeling started to go off.


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And earlier TODAY... (19th Feb 09)

I was hit by a car….

while crossing the road on foot, in my campus. The trauma came back! I keep crying… and I keep trembling.

Right now.. I am feeling better already, since I am back, in comfort of being at home.

I just needed to pour out this weird feeling of being very insecure.

My day started with me stumbling in the toilet, knocking my head on the pvc pipe, causing a mild bruise. I had a bad feeling about it. I had several things in mind, needed to settle some errands, so I just ignored it.

I was busy running some errands, and later settled for lunch. After lunch, parked at the masjid area, Azrul and Rash who carpooled, went to masjid whereas I headed back to my lab. It is not a big road, just crossing to get to the School.

Crossed… the kancil from opposite side sped out of sudden, therefore I stopped at the middle line. Suddenly… a Viva from the other junction (CS parking) took a sudden turn to his right, Keboooomm… and hit me on my side/back.

I fell to the ground on my bump, seated position. Blank… People gawping, looking shocked. Intense pain. On my back. I tried standing up… A pakcik on motorbike came, scolding the young driver, who got down from the car. He was with a girl, wearing the School’s t-shirt. Errr… I was hit by my junior.

“Sorry, I ingat boleh lepas tadi…sorryy” trying to explain, apologetically

Huhu.. saw me some more nak belok… huhu… aduiii… budak-budak baru dapat “P” niee… surprisingly… I was not mad… I was just in shock…

“Bring me to hospital now... or a clinic… I sakit” I was calm, I mean, too calm. Guilt in both their faces, they looked like the just saw a ghost.

“sorry… I’m sorry… U ok ka..errr.." I can’t remember what else they said… they took me in their car to pusat kesihatan in the campus. He couldn’t drive well, he was panicking.

“Dun worry, Cool down… bawak slow-slow… I Ok” Still trying to stay calm, but I was not aware of the tears gushing out. I thought I had this in control. I was in pain. Yes… it was painful… both physically and mentally. I was like “Why me… Why again????”

They are first year undergrad students. Huhu.. zaman-zaman I.. undergrad jalan kaki atau naik bas je weh… huhu… did not complain.. but triggered to me… hmm.. Kids these days…

I was in pain… But I was telling myself to stay calm… and I was trying not to make those kids feel guilty. I dunno why, but I felt pity for them. I tried to be calm and composed, just to make them feel less guilty… weird… I dunno… Though I was trying to hold it… my trauma and all.... I couldn’t control my tears… u cannot stop tears... they just flood out from I dunno where… but I was smiling in my tears… to keep my emotions intact. *maybe i was trying too hard not to let trauma took control of me.
I was treated as an out-patient as it was not a serious injury, but they let me rest in the ward. Took my BP… which was outrageously high at the beginning and started to ease down from time to time. Informed some friends especially my colleague to inform my boss, in case he looks for me. While resting, left alone on bed… I keep on crying… I dunno why…. And I was trembling all over. Told the kids not to worry, I was just still in shock. Doctor attended me, she is nice… I have minor bruises… given prescriptions.

The kids sent me back to School. I thought I was feeling ok already. Went to the lab, rewind the story, to Rash and Kak Ilah, grinning. Confidently, I said I was ok. Then… after my late Zuhur prayers… I started crying and trembling again. I was scared. I was scared of loneliness… of death… of accidents… of everything and of nothing. I was crying a wheezing cry… and openly. Rash had to s.o.s Kak Ilah from her lab to calm me down. It was a terrible feeling… shaking and trembling… And very very scared… I needed someone to hug me. Thanks Kak Ilah :-) Kak Ilah sent me home, tailed by Rash and Abang Azrul, driving my car. Thanks guys. And thanks to my lovely friends, constantly giving motivation and checking on me.


Rite now…. I’m supposed to rest… the bruises are getting on me now… but I just wanted to pour this out.. this unknown feelings… or trauma… Reciting Yaasin earlier…. And writing this down, have eased me a little…. And mom giving some hot puffs on the bruises… hehe… bermanja-manja sikit :P~

Moral of the story:
Berhati- hati di jalan raya. Tapi kadang-kadang, kalau hati-hati pun, kemalangan boleh berlaku. So setiap kali keluar buat urusan, iringilah dengan doa…